Southpaws Short Story

[Southpaw]

Here we are. I have been writing for a few days now, something for you guys to read.

Its my first time actually sitting down and writing something so its pretty bad compared to some of the things people have written. There might be a part two, maybe, Im not sure yet. 

I hope you enjoy

https://docs.google.com/document/d/127yjkOPX4DWy1U2xBPKc9azUhZS0r817E8ZvUDxsT0g/edit?usp=sharing

[Infamous]

This is really good, but the author side of me is bothered by some things. I'm gonna give you some advise, you can use or you could ignore it, I don't mind either way. For warning, I will be taking some parts from your doc to use as examples.

1. When a new person talks, you need to start a new paragraph. Example:
(
"So, what branch of the government do you think we are training for?¨ asked a quiet, out of breath trainee. ¨Depends on what they think is fit I guess.¨ I replied.
)
This section should be two paragraphs. When you have two people talking in one paragraph, it might confuse people reading it and make it seem like only one person is talking to himself/herself. 

2. Common formatting. You put things into two paragraphs, that might only need one. Example: 
(
. . . Then the government came to me at work and said they had a special offer for me, that I was selected for an elite program or what not. Whatever it was, I took it.
Now I'm here busting my ass off at training. . . 
)
This doesn't look like it's in two paragraphs here but it is. 

3. This just kind of pops out for me but this:
(
When we got there, the blindfolds were taken off. The room was blank, all that there was, was a white board with words scribbled down in the middle. It read
¨We die in the dark, so you can live in the light¨
Those words stuck with me. The door opened and a man in a dark grey suit walked in. His eyes were dark grey, white even. He looked maybe forty or fifty, his hair was pitch black and he looked like he had seen some shit.
)
First off the thing on the white board doesn't need to be in it's own paragraph. It could be just be in Bold or Italic. It will still pop in the middle of a paragraph and still look nice. Second, this is my opinion, but when you start to describe the DHOS, it should start a new paragraph.

4. Common grammar. The only thing to help you with this is just to write more. I, myself is still working on grammar. 

Everyone has to start somewhere and all this info is only to help you make your story writing better. Story writing is a very difficult thing, I should know. AND if it's your first time sitting down and produce something like this, yes, you say it's bad. I even said that for my first short story. But in my opinion what you wrote isn't bad at all.